Wednesday

Not too sure what is happening with the Html but yesterday I couldn't take the spaces out of the pages and today I had to upload the picture three times as it kept loading upside down.

This morning I started to paint for the first time in so long I can't remember when I painted last. It felt great although I have never tried to paint someone else's style and it is a bit odd. It just felt great to sit in front of my easel with a canvas, paint and brushes. My energy is still off so I am glad that I was able to start. I am having a hard time staying consistant with the gym so I decided to start being happy about what I am doing instead of beating myself up for what I am not doing. Like acknowledging that painting is a big deal.

Before I left on my trip I was thinking about putting a book together of Gary's poetry, love letters and other pieces from him. I took most of it to LA and spoke with LA Alexis, an author about what the book would be about. I decided I would write a full book about our story and include Gary's writing in the book as part of the story. Thinking about it and doing it are two different things. I have sat down and written a few times not wild about what I wrote but just think I should continue on and worry about it later. I think if I write in my blog more often it will help with the writing of the book.

Since the blog originated as an accountability of my creating and writing will take up a lot of my creative time the blog will now be more general and rambling.

I am planning on going to the beach house for the first time this week-end if it doesn't rent. I have come close before a few times but then it rented at the last minute and I was off the hook. I feel ready but will have a back up plan in case it is too painful. Before I left on my trip I was fairly uncomfortable at home without Gary. By being out of our home for a bit it is as if my brain got partially reset to the days when I lived alone and in some ways it is easier to be here without him. I still find things that set me off and I can't say I am content yet. I miss him terribly but I do see the progress I have made.