Gary, Amazing Gary

It is hard for me to believe it was  two years ago today that Gary died in my arms, the place he said he wanted to die. I lied in bed trying to feel his arms around me but some memories can only come into my head. I decided I should write about him today.
I have so many pictures of him, us. We lived an amazing life in the time we had together. How do I select just one or a few? Which are my favorites? This one was taken pretty early on and encapsulates the being of Gary. He had written a song about me and surprised me by singing  it to me. I cried in a way I had never cried before. One of his biggest gifts to me was the way he loved me completely, unconditionally, in a way I had never been loved before. Certainly I miss it, I am doing my best to carry on knowing how much better off I am having been loved like that. Do I want him back? Unquestionably! Do I live in the past? No. He would not want that.
There are mementos all over our (a word I can not shed) home. Pictures of us, things we bought in places all over the map. We certainly loaded as much life into our time together as we could. As I was writing in my journal this morning, we were both 100% ready to give and get from each other when we met. I have wondered if there was a part of us that was able to expose ourselves more as we knew we might have limited time or were we both just that present? Hard to say so I won't waste time on it. I will spend the time instead on the great memories we had together.
A while back people kept telling me that someday I would be grateful that I experienced that rare love every human wants, very few get. Recently someone told me that her reaction to seeing us together was both magical and made her jealous, knowing she had never felt the way we. I did not think I could get here. I was still hurting from having it taken away.
Today, as much as I miss this absolutely amazing human being, I can say that yes, all the pain has been worth it.
Gary, I hope you are with your dad, my dad and many other wonder people we have lost. I miss you and I want to thank you for such an amazing ride!

Time change, Spring cleaning

I haven't been posting lately and I haven't been too creative. I constantly knit but even though my knitting is creative it is a constant and sometimes  stops me from participating in life.
I still only seem to want to hang out in my bedroom. Want to spend more time in here and in the kitchen.
Yesterday I missed my Surfset class due to a stopped traffic from an accident. 30 minutes later I was able to turn around and head home. I decided to clean out my fridge. That got me on a roll. By the time I had rid my kitchen of all foods I no longer eat (lots from Gary) I had a hefty bag full of recyclables.
This morning I decided to tackle the den. I have no good reason for avoiding this room but have been in here for three hours throwing things out, re-arranging art supplies. Parting with tail ends of memories no longer serving me. Not sure if it will propel me into a painting project but it's a start. I don't like calling it the den but don't have a better name for it. In Seattle I had a playroom. I spent most of my time in there. I will do anything necessary to make this room call at me. I have a ton of excuses as to way I don't spend more time in here but I won't name them as they are just lame excuses.
I need to forget that I have a storage room I have not been to for two years and all the other almost nagging projects not getting done. I just want to come home and want to head straight for this un-named room loaded with art and  craft supplies. Then as hunger gets near be excited to go create in the kitchen.
I have been working out a lot lately and I think the effects of a few month of no HRT's are kicking in. I have been pretty tired lately. I have been changing my clocks mid-afternoon instead of before bed for years now to try and trick my body into being on the new time. Can't tell if it worked or not as spring cleaning is not on my usually list of activities. We will see how this spring cleaning effects my projects in the near future.