Long Absence

I haven't been able to post as taking care of Gary took all of my energy. Now that he is gone I still have no energy but need to push myself a bit. We took a ton of photos as we really packed in a life around his cancer. In my grieving I look at pictures a lot and I think this is my favorite. I am doing as well as I can but grieving is far harder than one can ever imagine.

I have finshed a few knitting projects but that is about it for creativity. Hopefully I will get there soon.

Sweet Story

Gary has been buying me flowers at this adorable little flower shop, Rosies and Posies, for most of our relationship. He has become friendly with the owner and she is always concerned about his health. He figured out that flowers came come to the door so the other day he sent me this beautiful bouquet. The delivery man also had a dozen white roses from the owner to Gary. Special little surprises like this go a very long way in making us happy. If you are downtown San Jose or ordering flowers over the phone (408-293-3773) give this place a try. She does a great job and certainly has a heart. It is in the middle of the open space by the ACT theater. Both vases are filled with beauty.

I have tried to stay away from using this as a diary but I haven't done anything creative besides knit lately. FYI- my tumor was benign and there is nothing to worry about, Thank God. My health and well being is mandatory for our lives right now and I am doing the best that I can to stay mentally and emotionally fit. I admit I have not been to the gym since before we got married but I have the rest of it right. I have wrapped myself up with a wonderful support system and love all of you very much. Last Saturday I went to SF to have lunch with Glenn and to my surprise Gregg took the day off to play with us. I felt honored that Gregg took the time for me and Gary loves seeing me come home from my natural habitat all refreshed.

Our lives are all about being together and taking care of each other. For me that means doing everything I can to keep Gary well cared for, safe, etc. Gary takes care of me by continuing to keep my heart overflowing with love. He is very good at doing his part and I believe I am doing a very good job on my end. Things have been very tough lately but we continue to treat each other with the utmost of respect and it goes a long way. I spent most of my adult life trying to preserve my space and now that I have the right guy I can't get enough of him. We both lived such big lives before we found each other and now we need very little outside of each other. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced but I am happy most of the time and truly understand how to live one day at a time. It is actually the easier path.

Hard to believe it is the holiday season again. In some ways last Christmas feels like it was yesterday and in others it feels like it was a century ago. I can't thank our friends and family enough for all that you do for us. Neither Gary or I are good at asking for help but we are continually being taken care of in many different ways and I am grateful for all of you on this journey with us. I doubt we will surface much over the holidays but you are in our hearts.

XOXOXO

Luxury of the Beach

Today is an overcast day at the beach. The sun peaks through a bit every once in a while but for a change I prefer the clouds.

I have been completely uninspired for a while. I did not want to use my creative blog a diary but for now I would have nothing else to write about. There is so much stress in our life that sometimes even knitting does not inspire me.

All the stresses in our life are right here right now. About a month ago Gary began being unable to walk on his own. We thought it was the meds he was on but now we know that is not it. They have scanned him from head to toe and haven't found anything. These mystery illnesses are harder to take than what ever known problem is thrown at us. On top of that I go in for surgery to have the tumor removed from my breast next Tuesday. We are both disappointed that Gary can not be my primary caretaker. I am completely burnt out from being my usual way too independent self and trying to everything for both of us. Today is a wonderful day sitting here next to my napping husband while I stare at the ocean.

I fantasize lately about two days at a Spa but for now that is not possible it is just a good fantasy. My perfectionism is improving as once upon a time I would have made myself create to have something to prove that I was okay. The best thing I can creative right now is gentle self care and getting the right help for both of us. What I need right now is a small piece of support from each of our friends and family.

Think of me next Tuesday while I am under the knife and hopefully all will turn out well so I will once again have inspiration to create.

Fall Sweaters

I love summer weather but winter clothes. I just finished this jacket and the weather appears to be moving in the direction of being able to actually wear it. The color in the photo came pretty close to the actual color which is in between a periwinkle blue and lavender. I have a great pair of gold Dolce & Gabbanna pants (in my wardrobe forever) athat have a small amount of this color in it. Gary and I might have to venture out of the house for more than a Doctor's visit soon.

Things continue to be hairy in our medical world. After a grueling week of waiting, I have an appointment with a Surgeon tomorrow about a biopsy. The only thing that hasn't made the wait seem long and slow is my husband's ongoing saga. This week-end was the closest I have come to losing it but today things are better and the new chemo is working as evidenced by the outside tumors showing major shrinkage. Soon we will see the insides again but the Oncologist has assured us the chemo is working on the inside as well.

Today we are having a luxurious, lazy day on the bed with our two equally lazy cats. Food in the fridge so no need to get out of our PJ's. We love the calm after what has been a long bumpy ride.

As everyone else is napping I am taking a break from my knitting to write. Not too much to write about but it feels nice to check in. Hope all of our friends and family are also enjoying a wonderful day.

Give us a break!

Yesterday I was in the grocery store and my phone rang. I thought it was one of Gary's Doctors but this time it was for me. I was told I needed to come in immediately for an ultrasound as a follow up to a recent mammogram. I was a wreck and in the middle of all of Gary's health issues the last thing I wanted to tell my husband was that I needed an immediate ultrasound. My father was at our house when I told him so I not only worried my husband, I worried my already worried parents.

I went in today and still am not sure what is wrong. They are not sure either but I will talk to my Dr. as soon as the dust settles. We can't even imagine our lives with both of us sick. It does not look like it is too much to worry about but we won't be OK until they do a biopsy. Thank God we are so much in love as our lives are so stressful, our love gets us through.

This is a photo of a jacket that I am almost done with. It is very heavy and it is 100 degrees out so it seems like an odd project to be working on. I have wanted to knit this jacket since I saw it in Vogue knitting. I love big needles. A project like this only takes a few weeks.

I will let you know when we get any news. For now we are resting and trying to get centered again.

Birthday Party and More

It is hard to believe Gary's Birthday Party was almost two weeks ago. A lot has gone on since then with Gary's health. Since this is my creative blog and I am unable to create Gary back to perfect health I won't say too much about it other than we have been tested and presented with a lot of big challenges. You can contact me for more details but I want to keep my blog upbeat and about mt creativity. Being creative has never been more important to me as it helps keep me stable on a very rocky ride.

We had a mix of Gary's and my friends who after a relatively short time have become our friends. Since we were still planning on going to Italy the theme was Italian and each place mat was hand painted with a different city we were planning on visiting. I'm sure you have figured out by now that we are not going. Gary's health is our main priority and we need to be here to get him healthy. The food was a five course Italian meal (if you count the birthday cake) and a signature Italian cocktail. We all had a wonderful time and we have a lot of Virgo friends so it was a celebration for many. Our Virgo Alexis was unable to travel due to her recent spine surgery but she was there with is in spirit.I love planning parties and doing the work. Having a theme made it especially fun.

I don't talk about my cats much but this is Bart. Besides being beautiful, he is the most loving mommies boy you could ever meet. He is sitting on top of two of my current knitting projects. He has a sister Prue. She is in the for the food and is quite naughty a lot of the time lately. We love her just as much, her strong point is her ability to entertain us with her constant antics. She is a typical cat that does not believe in people rules. She is warm in a suck up sort of way and quite beautiful also. She has Gary wrapped around her sweet little paw. They both give us so much love and joy. The really help us with our healing process.

This is the latest sweater I made for Gary. I made a sweater for my father in this yarn and will make this sweater again for Gary in blue as soon as the yarn arrives. I have never enjoyed knitting a particular yarn as much as this one and Gary loves this sweater. If it were colder out he would be wearing it every day. I am currently making myself a heavy pale lavender jacket that is both fun and fast on a very large needle.

I have not painted for quite a few weeks now but with the trip canceled I will be starting on my mural soon. I have a lot of nervous energy right now and Gary spends most of his time in bed so knitting is the perfect creative outlet right now. Also we have been spending a lot of time in the chemo ward and I can't drag my paints there.

I make sure I get out and see my friends on a regular basis. I had a wonderful two hour lunch at the Fairmont yesterday with my amazing friend Evelyn. She gave me the coolest bracelet right off her wrist which warmed my heart immensely. She is leaving for a weeks vacation tomorrow and I will miss her a lot. She has walked a similar path to the one I am currently on and always knows exactly what I need.

Amidst the fear and chaos we continue to stay grateful for the goodness in our lives. We are so lucky that we can spend all of our time together. I could not bear leaving Gary everyday to go to work. Our friends all understand that we aren't good at asking for help so they think of ways to make our life easier without us having to ask. Someone is always ready to stay with Gary when I need to go out. It is a relief for me and good for Gary to see and hear someone other than myself. Roy, Mark Sanchez, Evelyn, Julie, Glenn, Bill, my parents (who showed up with a wheelchair for Gary the day he needed it) are the first ones that come to mind. We couldn't pick a better set of friends. Sorry if I left anyone out. I am a bit scatter brained right now. Also I would not be able to create if I wasn't able to get some time alone every once in a while. We love all of you and all the rest of our friends that do their fair share also. We are blessed. Nothing makes Gary happier than to see me creating. He is so proud of me and I call him my muse. Guess I got off the track a bit but I have a lot swirling around in my little brain right now.

I wish I could promise to post more regularly. Fortunately I know I should be writing at times but get too wrapped up in projects and that is a good thing.

Many thanks to all our friends and family just for loving us.

Still painting

I haven't figured out how to turn the flash off on my camera so taking pictured of art is not as clean as I would like. I finished this about a week ago and then went on a fury rehanging, patching and painting the walls and playing decorator in our house.

Lately I have been busy with lots of projects as always. Tomorrow is Gary's birthday so I am planning a party with an Italian theme since we will be leaving for Italy in about 2 1/2 weeks. I will have a lot to post this week, Hopefully I will take the time to write.

I will say that this blog has been a sporadic project but it has kept me busy creating. I am better at follow through on my other projects.

As many of you know, Gary's cancer has been in the forefront lately. Thankfully I can distract myself with Art. When he first went through radiation I took an abstract painting class. I did nothing with it for a while but it came to me later. Hopefully the effects of my watercolor class will hit me soon. I really want to finish my children's book. The instructor gave me a few great tips.

Life here is a bit stressful but filled with love and as much happiness as possible. Hope all my friends are well.