Happy Birthday Bart!

Yesterday was Bart's 17th birthday. My little talking angel. After we lost his sister he  decided he had a lot to say and still yells at me most of his waking hours. He particularly does not like me talking on the phone and has a lot to say about that. A phone call will wake him up faster than treats. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of hearing him, it sounds like a baby being tortured. Amazing the sounds that come out of such a small, loving creature.
As annoying as it is there is also a familiar comfort to hearing him. My cat encyclopedia says he is 78 in human years. A youngster!
According to one source I read that the oldest living cat was 37 or 38 years old (I forget exactly) and a also Burmese. I am planning on another 20 years with him.
He is slowly adjusting to my spending time in the den. He thinks we should both be on the bed 24/7. Obviously not a healthy place for me. Sadly between Gary's illness and grief I have spent the majority of my time at home there. I rarely post my knitting as I can isolate my life away knitting, watching TV. It is a lot healthier for me to be in here doing something creative. Painting, school work, music, card making, etc., etc., etc. Lots to do at home if I leave the bedroom cave.
Now that he has agreed to a little time in here he has hogged the only comfy chair. Fine when I am engaged in a creative project but a drag when I want a break. In a funny way he is helping me. I am sitting on my exercise ball right now. Good for the abs. After my back injury I need all the help I can get.
Yesterday my trainer told me that it takes twice as long to get back into shape as the down time. That gets me back to where I was in 22 weeks-November 16th. Great.

June Ramblings

I quit blogging as no one was reading my posts. This exercise should be for me. About 10 weeks ago I injured myself quite badly while exercising. I was in a neck brace for 8 weeks, regular PT, it threw me off my path. Between the pain and the inability to exercise I reverted to my knit/TV life. I have been cleared to exercise at 10% intensity but what do I know about 10%? I understand 110%. We'll see how this goes.
This photo is from another play station in my creative room.  It is separate from the desk with my card making stuff. Separate from my easel with a painting in progress and Gary's comfy chair where I sit and write. There is a wall filled with books from both of our journeys. At one time the content with divided, now there is a lot of overlap.
Recently I have been working with a spiritual advisor. She told  me that I needed to write a book. It rang true, felt like a perfect fit yet I could not get myself to start. Last week she told me that the book I need to start with is the one with Gary's writings, laced with my experience. So much synchronicity. I had already started it two years ago. My cousin Mimi thought it was what I needed to do and sent me the Patty Smith/Mapelthrope story. Other stuff too. Without doing much the book is well on it's way. Thursday was our wedding anniversary. The only problem is me.
I have been in school all year for Holistic Nutrition. I have always defined myself as a Christian Louboutin girl and been afraid of that hippie within. I relate more to the inner business woman than the artist yet those that volunteer their observations see me as an artist. I am a vegan. While painting yesterday I listened to an 80 minute lecture from Howard Lyman, the rancher turned vegan that informed the world about  Mad Cow Disease  then turned on FOX news. I suppose I have always been a  strange combination of my varied experiences and that is a good thing.
Last note.. while others see my knitting as creative, I won't deny the creative aspect of it but when I obsessively knit, hide and watch TV it is not a good thing. It is comparable to drug abuse or an eating disorder. As pretty as my bedroom is I need to be in other rooms of my condo.

Gary, Amazing Gary

It is hard for me to believe it was  two years ago today that Gary died in my arms, the place he said he wanted to die. I lied in bed trying to feel his arms around me but some memories can only come into my head. I decided I should write about him today.
I have so many pictures of him, us. We lived an amazing life in the time we had together. How do I select just one or a few? Which are my favorites? This one was taken pretty early on and encapsulates the being of Gary. He had written a song about me and surprised me by singing  it to me. I cried in a way I had never cried before. One of his biggest gifts to me was the way he loved me completely, unconditionally, in a way I had never been loved before. Certainly I miss it, I am doing my best to carry on knowing how much better off I am having been loved like that. Do I want him back? Unquestionably! Do I live in the past? No. He would not want that.
There are mementos all over our (a word I can not shed) home. Pictures of us, things we bought in places all over the map. We certainly loaded as much life into our time together as we could. As I was writing in my journal this morning, we were both 100% ready to give and get from each other when we met. I have wondered if there was a part of us that was able to expose ourselves more as we knew we might have limited time or were we both just that present? Hard to say so I won't waste time on it. I will spend the time instead on the great memories we had together.
A while back people kept telling me that someday I would be grateful that I experienced that rare love every human wants, very few get. Recently someone told me that her reaction to seeing us together was both magical and made her jealous, knowing she had never felt the way we. I did not think I could get here. I was still hurting from having it taken away.
Today, as much as I miss this absolutely amazing human being, I can say that yes, all the pain has been worth it.
Gary, I hope you are with your dad, my dad and many other wonder people we have lost. I miss you and I want to thank you for such an amazing ride!

Time change, Spring cleaning

I haven't been posting lately and I haven't been too creative. I constantly knit but even though my knitting is creative it is a constant and sometimes  stops me from participating in life.
I still only seem to want to hang out in my bedroom. Want to spend more time in here and in the kitchen.
Yesterday I missed my Surfset class due to a stopped traffic from an accident. 30 minutes later I was able to turn around and head home. I decided to clean out my fridge. That got me on a roll. By the time I had rid my kitchen of all foods I no longer eat (lots from Gary) I had a hefty bag full of recyclables.
This morning I decided to tackle the den. I have no good reason for avoiding this room but have been in here for three hours throwing things out, re-arranging art supplies. Parting with tail ends of memories no longer serving me. Not sure if it will propel me into a painting project but it's a start. I don't like calling it the den but don't have a better name for it. In Seattle I had a playroom. I spent most of my time in there. I will do anything necessary to make this room call at me. I have a ton of excuses as to way I don't spend more time in here but I won't name them as they are just lame excuses.
I need to forget that I have a storage room I have not been to for two years and all the other almost nagging projects not getting done. I just want to come home and want to head straight for this un-named room loaded with art and  craft supplies. Then as hunger gets near be excited to go create in the kitchen.
I have been working out a lot lately and I think the effects of a few month of no HRT's are kicking in. I have been pretty tired lately. I have been changing my clocks mid-afternoon instead of before bed for years now to try and trick my body into being on the new time. Can't tell if it worked or not as spring cleaning is not on my usually list of activities. We will see how this spring cleaning effects my projects in the near future.

Latest Painting and Sugar

This is my latest painting. It is hanging near the finished cheesecake painting that I posted when it was in process.(I will post it soon.) It is ironic that my latest paintings are both sugar related at a time that I have finally given up my sugar addiction. I can now walk through the aisles of Valentine"s, St. Patrick's Day and Easter candy with no temptation. Never thought this would happen. I justified my sugar habit away for as long as I knew sugar was bad for me (27 years). The two most profound ideas I heard but denied were 1) sugar is as bad for an addict as heroin 2) sugar will age one's face more than cigarettes.
Someone asked me if hanging these sugar delights would be tempting for me. No, the appeal is now the pretty colors, artistic creation of desserts. I have been thinking a lot about my age, my health etc. lately. I have decided for the moment that it is an inside out job. I am a woman so I reserve the right to change my mind in the future. I haven't even had my first shot of botox. I am afraid that once I start down that path I will let my evil perfectionist pop up and there will be no end to it. Like the days I look in the mirror and think today is the day I need a full face lift. I push those thoughts away usually by walking away from that nasty mirror. I also an continually fine tuning what I put in my body, do with my body and mind so I can't see injecting poison into my face. That being said I am all for anything anyone wants to do to  (within reason) to feel better about themselves. My Libertarian philosophy.
School is finally getting interesting as we are hearing some amazing lectures about American food and disease. I can see Gary's cancer path in full. I am not currently working on any projects as I have a lot going on. They are all good, more exercise, school, friends, women in distress, to name a few. The first thing that goes is a big, creative project but it is good as I am ready to be busier and then learn to balance my life.

Different Ways of Creating

This is what I looked like just a few years ago on one of our last trips together, I think I was 54. Then it was time to sit. At first it was necessary to be there for Gary, then it was all I could as I was grieving, then I was stuck. Last week I posted about the three hour gym thing. 8 days later and I have been at the gym everyday with the exception of one rest day. It was not a scary day. It pushed me back into the zone I needed. When I try to talk myself into not driving to the gym I am able to override the thought.
So I am creating health. I have been fine tuning my diet more and more. I am close to looking like that picture again and will get there soon. Although there is nothing on my easel or creative desk my energy is slowly returning and I am using my time better.
I once knew an artist that had been a stockbroker. I ran into him a few years after I had seen his work and asked if he was still sculpting. He told me that he was not, he was back to creating money. I filled that away as creating can come in many forms and forward movement and balance is key.
I have a two hour workout on the schedule today and a creative project percolating in my head.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. Having been with such a romantic I got to enjoy this day to the fullest. Instead of blathering on about those days I will tell you what it is for me now. I am no longer under a sad veil of better times, not yet a new better time but on my way. There is a big romantic, softy in me so I decided to think of this day as a holiday of love in the general sense. I have a needy, purring cat sitting on my lap while I write with a smile on my face. I plan on having a great day today. Gym, meeting, Artist Way and knitting store. Add in healthy food and acknowledge that I will see many people I care about today so how could it not be a happy one.
For those of you in a relationship I hope you show your partner how wonderful they are. For those not forget about the Hallmark creation and enjoy the people you love. Years ago I was in a relationship with someone that didn't give me roses on Valentine's Day (we did still celebrate) but bought me three dozen the next day when the prices weren't jacked up. I loved it.
I learned awhile ago that making distracting plans on days that could otherwise be difficult was a good strategy for not feeling, sad, left out, etc. I really loaded myself with armor for this one making my own cards. How can one feel sad will playing and thinking of others?

So today I wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day and think of it as a Holiday of All Love, not just romantic love.

Friday Thoughts

My first homegrown tomato

Every Friday morning I try to talk myself out of going to my small group training. It's cold, too early, anything I can try to grab onto. I always go and I am always glad that I did. I signed up for a three hour work-out sampler tomorrow and need to declare it so tomorrow morning while I am trying to convince myself that it's too long, too hard etc. I will know I committed to it publicly.
It is hard for me to believe that I once showed up to my trainer with broken bones, telling him that there must be something we can work on. I will blame it on age.
About three weeks ago I decided to go off HRT's after 17 years. I am doing an herbal combo. Seems to be working fine except I realize that my memory is a bit off. I keep losing things and then when I retrace my steps I can't actually remember doing the activities that I know got done. Think I need Gilko Biloba.
The photo of my first tomato is not new but I won't be finishing projects as often as I want to post so will use random photos for visuals. I just order a new set of seeds for my Aerogarden. Not as good as an actual garden but I have always lived in apartments or condos. I have only had one garden on my adult life. It was tended by a gardener. I might love a garden at this stage of my life but I am content with the way I live. I also have a tendency to phase through things so a happy garden today might become a pain later.
The other day I sat on the floor and perused the books in the bookshelf. I have a fair amount of books, a collection representing both Gary and my lives. I haven't felt boredom in a long time but if I do I know I could look through my books and find numerous activities from the subject matters to find something interesting to do.
My ingredients readying in the kitchen are now needing my attention so off to cooking I go.

Trish's Painting, etc.

 

A few months ago I donated an old floral painting to an auction. My friend Trish saw it and  liked it so I offered to do a painting for her. It was a favor for me as I needed inspiration to paint. I drill on board and paint on it (you can see the process on the left). I like the process of getting the image out of the way and then concentrating on the color and shading. I also am enjoying painting on canvas. It was great to be painting again and I have painted a little more often since I began this painting. This is the finished painting.

 I think that I mentioned I am doing Julia Cameron's, The Artist Way again. Yesterday I was reading about  critics and realize that I only have supportive people around when it comes to my creativity. I know this is true for my emotional life. I would not have survived the current journey without lots of love and support. Thank you all. Anyway, I have spent most of my life being pretty self-contained so I didn't give creative support much thought. That being said , I wouldn't be inspired if others didn't see something in my various projects. When I listen I realize how much support I have and that others see a larger Artist than I do.  I also know that Art is so subjective that what appeals to one person may not appeal to anyone else so it isn't about people liking what I do as much as encouraging me to continue on my creative journey.

 

 

 

 

 

 I see color everywhere. Once I was at the art supply store and I told my friend Andy that there weren't enough colors. I have tubes and tubes of bright paints, pots of colored embossing powders, watercolor pencils, jewelry, shoes, each room in my home is a different color. Not too many people in my life don't know what my favorite color is.

Sculpture

Last year I decided to take a sculpture class. I have never done any sculpture but have thought about it through out the years. My first piece is with one of the right. It was surprisingly an enjoyable experience. No artist critic, somewhat physical and fun to try something new. I was able to acknowledge that I was pretty good at it. The piece on the lower left was done by a man that has been doing sculpture for 40 years.
I could go to class each Friday ready to go.
I was looking for an activity that I could work on both in class and at home. The problem with figurative is you need the live model. I tried working from photographs. Dragging everything home and back to no avail.

 

 Since I enjoyed it I decide to take a second session. Here is the second piece:

 

It is something I would do again but I decided when the session started last week not to enroll again. The instructor is a great artist but got pretty flaky and we had a lot of wasted time,no model, blah, blah. A friend from the class felt the same way and was even more frustrated than I was so I, didn't even show up for the last class so her piece is in my spare bathtub.

It did make me see the value of classes. Think I will look for a  painting or cooking class. I am doing the Artist Way again. One of the components is a weekly artist date. For some reason I seem to have resistance to that suggestion. Guess I solved my own problem.

Yesterday I felt an Angel

 

 

 

For those of you that were fortunate enough to have know my late husband you knew that he was one of the most romantic men on the planet. He was proud of it and I have a large heart-shaped box full of love letters, a large shelf full of Tiffany boxes, a computer folder full of profound poetry. This should be one of the hardest holidays for me yet for the first time I feel Angel Gary's presence helping me feel love not sadness as I involve myself in Valentine's Day. It was almost out of body playing at was once his Virgo neat desk. This photo is of it's present creative mess.
I used to sit on a big pink exercise ball at Ritchie Commercial. Gary loved that an otherwise perfectly decorated office had me sitting on a ball. Yesterday I bought a new one for my new/old play area.
I guess things do come in three's. Yesterday I lost a baguette in my sapphire and diamond ring. This was especially upsetting as this ring has so much sentimentality to it. This morning I found the stone about 6" in under the oriental rug in the bedroom. How in the hell did it get there and way did I even look there?
I don't think it is a coincidence that he waited until I was happier to come visit.

I miss the old user-friendly Photoshop. I tried to do this next photo in Microsoft Paint with an uncooperative mouse but you get the point:

I heard a story on the news about a woman that is trying to promote the use of mail for cards, gifts etc. I don't remember the details but I am doing my part. Happily making Valentine's Day cards like a kid in an art class in grade school. I imagine Angel Gary smiling.

From Cream Puffs to Kale Snacks

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Yes, it has been a very long time since my last post. A lot has happened or possibly not too much has happened. I am slowly moving out of the fog of grief into a new life.
I decided on the title as the only other food post I have done was about the day I made cream puffs from scratch. Like many things in my life I am in a totally different place.
For years I have been working on food, my health, how they work together. I have been able to give up a lot of foods that don't work for me but always in denial about the "sugar thing". After being sugar free for a while I made the mistake of baking for the holidays and it was amazing to see the addictive behavior I had around it. 27 years ago I heard how bad it was for the first time and buried the information. 15 years ago my personal trainer, an N.D. student tried to get through to me by telling me sugar will age one faster than cigerettes.Not even the vanity scare worked  Enough on the evils of sugar except to say I made it through my birthday without so much as a bite of cake. 1st of 57. More about kalish stuff.
I am going to school for holistic nutrition. Not clear on where I want to go with it but I do love to cook and am more and more aware of health as I am aging (yuck!). This isn't the first time I have been faced with "what do I want to do when I grow up?". This is a good starting place for me. I want to use my blog to help myself figure things out. Who knows what I will be posting about but I will post. I am also do the Artist Way again so these tools along with other things should help.
I am still painting. Took a few sculpture classes since I last was in touch. A friend said my life is like one big art project. I have been making cards. Always knitting.Still love fashion, high heels, jewelery. I will post photos of some of the things I have created since I last used my site, probably unrelated to the post. I like posts better with photos being the visual girl that I am.
Hope you aren't sick of the stops and starts and will follow my blog again.
I bought the domain name but it is too much work to convert to .com for now. More soon.
xoxo

Made it to the beach!

This is the exact spot on the beach where we were married. I got here yesterday and the first tears came as I was walking on the beach remembering all the walks we took and all the wildlife we had seen. I had never payed much attention to birds before but they are fascinating to watch on the beach. I remember the very first time we were here together, kissing on our walk like teenagers. Gary said to me that he had been looking his entire life for me to kiss in wonderful, exotic locations. We were able to do that and pend time here before he got too sick to go anywhere. As it has been said many times we really were able to pack in a lot in our too short amount of time together.

The wedding seems like a long time ago as does his death but he still seems so close, almost in reach. It has taken me a while to come here. I did not know how I would react but I had a major distraction on the way and when I arrived having nothing to do with Gary or my trip here. It took me an hour sitting on the couch looking out at the ocean to get present and when I finally did the shock of being here had been taken away. Today my cousin Cheryl said it was Angel Gary distracting me from the pain.

As you can see from the photo it was a beautiful day here. Pajaro Dunes is a wonderful, peaceful place. Not a place to be if you want action but great for reflection.

Gary was worried about how I would do in a place so isolated. With him I could have been anywhere. Now that I am back here from an afternoon away I am once again enjoying the calm and all the wonderful memories of my amazing husband.

This is the same spot the day of our wedding. I liked it a bit better that day.

Wednesday

Not too sure what is happening with the Html but yesterday I couldn't take the spaces out of the pages and today I had to upload the picture three times as it kept loading upside down.

This morning I started to paint for the first time in so long I can't remember when I painted last. It felt great although I have never tried to paint someone else's style and it is a bit odd. It just felt great to sit in front of my easel with a canvas, paint and brushes. My energy is still off so I am glad that I was able to start. I am having a hard time staying consistant with the gym so I decided to start being happy about what I am doing instead of beating myself up for what I am not doing. Like acknowledging that painting is a big deal.

Before I left on my trip I was thinking about putting a book together of Gary's poetry, love letters and other pieces from him. I took most of it to LA and spoke with LA Alexis, an author about what the book would be about. I decided I would write a full book about our story and include Gary's writing in the book as part of the story. Thinking about it and doing it are two different things. I have sat down and written a few times not wild about what I wrote but just think I should continue on and worry about it later. I think if I write in my blog more often it will help with the writing of the book.

Since the blog originated as an accountability of my creating and writing will take up a lot of my creative time the blog will now be more general and rambling.

I am planning on going to the beach house for the first time this week-end if it doesn't rent. I have come close before a few times but then it rented at the last minute and I was off the hook. I feel ready but will have a back up plan in case it is too painful. Before I left on my trip I was fairly uncomfortable at home without Gary. By being out of our home for a bit it is as if my brain got partially reset to the days when I lived alone and in some ways it is easier to be here without him. I still find things that set me off and I can't say I am content yet. I miss him terribly but I do see the progress I have made.

Ready to Paint, Thank yous, Etc.

First I want to thank everyone for my travels last week: Alexis and Fancher, Nancy and Mike, Ross, Alexis and Henry for letting me stay with you. Mimi for meeting me in San Diego, The Matt Garrett's for entertaining me, Bob Miller for a wonderful lunch and Mom for taking care of my cat children. Thank you all. I had a wonderful time and a step further in my grief path as a result of stepping out of my daily life for a while.











This is Alexis G's Art Barn. What a wonderful creative space. I need to do a bit of set up to paint or work on any other messy creative project at my home. No complaints but I do love the Art Barn.




Here is my set up:
I am waiting for the gesso to dry on a canvas so thought it would be a good time to blog.





Last night was my grief group. It was the fifth meeting and so we had a new group of people. It was both rewarding and painful to hear new stories of loss. I am happy to have more people in the group. When it was over us three original members huddled together, talked and supported each other. Their final words to me were"Paint".









I thought a photo before I started would help get me going. I was having trouble with my digital camera. I thought the card was empty but to my surprise there were final pictures of Gary and I that I did not know existed. Some were from Christmas but he was apparently sick in all of them. It was quite a shock as every other of the thousands of pic's I have of him he is healthy, handsome and smiling. I won't post any of them as I doubt he would want anyone to see them. It made me very sad. I don't spend nearly as much time being sad as I did in the beginning but no matter how easy I may make it look, life is still very difficult for me to navigate through. It is getting better but I miss him immensely,painfully everyday. I am doing all I can to build a new life even though I want to old one back more than I have ever wanted anything in my life.

My intention was not to write about Gary but my blogging world is a vehicle to take me where ever it takes me and gives me a clue of where I really am at. But now I better start painting or I will put it off some more.

(Sorry for the odd formatting. I have tried to fix it about 10 times but it is not co-operating.)

Long Story to Painting My Bedroom

This morning I woke up in a new room and I have to admit it makes me sad to have the old room that Gary and I spent so much time in gone. I have been changing it slowly and the little changes kept him intact but the paint change wiped the old completely away. Here is the story of the change. Sorry it is long and I guess more helpful to me that to the reader.

Before Gary died I thought I would have to redecorate as I thought it would be too painful to be in this room that I loved him, nursed him and saw him die in. It had the opposite effect and I have not been able to leave this room while I am home as if he would come back here to me.

I told my cousin's wife Cheryl this as we were working out. Cheryl has the most amazing taste in anything visual. She suggested that since I spent so much time in here that I should paint it a bright color. Usually I am obsessive about a project, working until I run out of steam. Lately I don't have much steam so the transformation has been slow and included other friends and outings.

First I bought new bedding. It was nice but seemed about the same. Soon after I was staying at Bill and Matt's new lovely house in the Oakland hills, complete with 2 new rescue Boxers. I am in love with Brutus and Molly. Bill wanted me to go with him to an Art Auction. I had no intention of buying anything, he was looking at a few paintings. When we got there I found out it was also Antiques. I usually take my car which fits me, a duffel bag and my purse. I happened to bring Gary's car that we had nicknamed the Beast. The Beast landed at home with a dresser and two 12' x 9' Persian rugs. No one was around to help me drag them out of the car so of course I got them upstairs and had to move a lot of furniture to make them work. It was a nice change but everything was about the same and I was back in the room not able to leave. I was amazed that I was able to walk the next day.

The paint in the room was okay but not perfect. Then it became a battle in my head, do I paint it? What color if I do? Do I hire someone? How do I do that? Can I paint this room myself? It's got so many doors and windows I don't think I have the energy to do it. So here I stayed and missed Gary and couldn't do much at home outside of staring at the TV. We only watched a movie a day when Gary was alive. He hated the TV and I was used to it being off.

Next event, a trip to MOMA to see the Stein collection with Bill and Matt. The previous week Glenn and I gone to the Jewish Museum expecting the Art but got the history of Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas. It turned out to be a good set up for the MOMA collection. After the show we ate at the MOMA cafe and there were these fun paintings on the wall of desserts. They were cheery and bright so I thought I would buy one. Not so easy so I took a few photos and went home to think about it. I haven't been able to paint for a very long time. Gary was a great muse and loved it when I would paint or do anything creative. As you know this website was started to keep me on track with my creativity. Hence the long absences. I decided I could paint the painting myself and bought the canvases.

Then next it was a battle in my head about the order of painting. Shouldn't I paint the bedroom before I paint on canvas? If I start to paint again I will never finish the bedroom. Being of little energy still I did not start to paint either the canvas or the room. One morning the sun woke me up at 5:30. How did Gary and I sleep in this room for a summer with just the blinds? Well we all know that one, we were exhausted from his cancer and the treatments. The next night I covered the window with a fitted sheet and realized I needed curtains. I found the right curtains and was none to happy when I found out they had to be shipped. I wanted to put them up ASAP, the only way I know how to do things. Next I realized that if I was going to paint the room it had to happened before the curtains arrived next Wednesday.

I decided to start with taping the room. If I could do that I could do the painting. The meticulous setup seems to be more work than the painting itself. Gary loved to paint and being a good Virgo was able to dot every "i " and cross every " t" in life making him a great painter among his many talents. That is not my nature. I think the Angel Gary was there to help me put every inch of tape in the room and not starting with the paint until all the prep work was done. I thought about how much I love Virgos and Aquarius's like myself while I was working on this massive project. I realized that 3 of my 4 closest friends are Virgos and Aquarius's. Bill, the Aquarius is with Matt a Virgo. That makes me happy. Glenn and Evelyn are Virgos. Andy is an Aries. 3 out of 4 is good. These thoughts made me happy and I did not burn out until the last wall.

Now here I am in a brand new room transformed away from my love. The room itself is great. I guess it is a lesson in the good of moving on. Lets see if the new room moves me into other parts of the house like the den/play room where I used to happily create. I wrote this story so I could make myself accountable to my creative progress as I know many of you have and will ask if I am paining.

Wonder what Gary thinks when he looks down? He probably more than me wants me to move on. I doubt he is happy that I have gotten catatonic on the bed.

Long Absence

I haven't been able to post as taking care of Gary took all of my energy. Now that he is gone I still have no energy but need to push myself a bit. We took a ton of photos as we really packed in a life around his cancer. In my grieving I look at pictures a lot and I think this is my favorite. I am doing as well as I can but grieving is far harder than one can ever imagine.

I have finshed a few knitting projects but that is about it for creativity. Hopefully I will get there soon.

Sweet Story

Gary has been buying me flowers at this adorable little flower shop, Rosies and Posies, for most of our relationship. He has become friendly with the owner and she is always concerned about his health. He figured out that flowers came come to the door so the other day he sent me this beautiful bouquet. The delivery man also had a dozen white roses from the owner to Gary. Special little surprises like this go a very long way in making us happy. If you are downtown San Jose or ordering flowers over the phone (408-293-3773) give this place a try. She does a great job and certainly has a heart. It is in the middle of the open space by the ACT theater. Both vases are filled with beauty.

I have tried to stay away from using this as a diary but I haven't done anything creative besides knit lately. FYI- my tumor was benign and there is nothing to worry about, Thank God. My health and well being is mandatory for our lives right now and I am doing the best that I can to stay mentally and emotionally fit. I admit I have not been to the gym since before we got married but I have the rest of it right. I have wrapped myself up with a wonderful support system and love all of you very much. Last Saturday I went to SF to have lunch with Glenn and to my surprise Gregg took the day off to play with us. I felt honored that Gregg took the time for me and Gary loves seeing me come home from my natural habitat all refreshed.

Our lives are all about being together and taking care of each other. For me that means doing everything I can to keep Gary well cared for, safe, etc. Gary takes care of me by continuing to keep my heart overflowing with love. He is very good at doing his part and I believe I am doing a very good job on my end. Things have been very tough lately but we continue to treat each other with the utmost of respect and it goes a long way. I spent most of my adult life trying to preserve my space and now that I have the right guy I can't get enough of him. We both lived such big lives before we found each other and now we need very little outside of each other. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced but I am happy most of the time and truly understand how to live one day at a time. It is actually the easier path.

Hard to believe it is the holiday season again. In some ways last Christmas feels like it was yesterday and in others it feels like it was a century ago. I can't thank our friends and family enough for all that you do for us. Neither Gary or I are good at asking for help but we are continually being taken care of in many different ways and I am grateful for all of you on this journey with us. I doubt we will surface much over the holidays but you are in our hearts.

XOXOXO

Luxury of the Beach

Today is an overcast day at the beach. The sun peaks through a bit every once in a while but for a change I prefer the clouds.

I have been completely uninspired for a while. I did not want to use my creative blog a diary but for now I would have nothing else to write about. There is so much stress in our life that sometimes even knitting does not inspire me.

All the stresses in our life are right here right now. About a month ago Gary began being unable to walk on his own. We thought it was the meds he was on but now we know that is not it. They have scanned him from head to toe and haven't found anything. These mystery illnesses are harder to take than what ever known problem is thrown at us. On top of that I go in for surgery to have the tumor removed from my breast next Tuesday. We are both disappointed that Gary can not be my primary caretaker. I am completely burnt out from being my usual way too independent self and trying to everything for both of us. Today is a wonderful day sitting here next to my napping husband while I stare at the ocean.

I fantasize lately about two days at a Spa but for now that is not possible it is just a good fantasy. My perfectionism is improving as once upon a time I would have made myself create to have something to prove that I was okay. The best thing I can creative right now is gentle self care and getting the right help for both of us. What I need right now is a small piece of support from each of our friends and family.

Think of me next Tuesday while I am under the knife and hopefully all will turn out well so I will once again have inspiration to create.

Fall Sweaters

I love summer weather but winter clothes. I just finished this jacket and the weather appears to be moving in the direction of being able to actually wear it. The color in the photo came pretty close to the actual color which is in between a periwinkle blue and lavender. I have a great pair of gold Dolce & Gabbanna pants (in my wardrobe forever) athat have a small amount of this color in it. Gary and I might have to venture out of the house for more than a Doctor's visit soon.

Things continue to be hairy in our medical world. After a grueling week of waiting, I have an appointment with a Surgeon tomorrow about a biopsy. The only thing that hasn't made the wait seem long and slow is my husband's ongoing saga. This week-end was the closest I have come to losing it but today things are better and the new chemo is working as evidenced by the outside tumors showing major shrinkage. Soon we will see the insides again but the Oncologist has assured us the chemo is working on the inside as well.

Today we are having a luxurious, lazy day on the bed with our two equally lazy cats. Food in the fridge so no need to get out of our PJ's. We love the calm after what has been a long bumpy ride.

As everyone else is napping I am taking a break from my knitting to write. Not too much to write about but it feels nice to check in. Hope all of our friends and family are also enjoying a wonderful day.