Made it to the beach!

This is the exact spot on the beach where we were married. I got here yesterday and the first tears came as I was walking on the beach remembering all the walks we took and all the wildlife we had seen. I had never payed much attention to birds before but they are fascinating to watch on the beach. I remember the very first time we were here together, kissing on our walk like teenagers. Gary said to me that he had been looking his entire life for me to kiss in wonderful, exotic locations. We were able to do that and pend time here before he got too sick to go anywhere. As it has been said many times we really were able to pack in a lot in our too short amount of time together.

The wedding seems like a long time ago as does his death but he still seems so close, almost in reach. It has taken me a while to come here. I did not know how I would react but I had a major distraction on the way and when I arrived having nothing to do with Gary or my trip here. It took me an hour sitting on the couch looking out at the ocean to get present and when I finally did the shock of being here had been taken away. Today my cousin Cheryl said it was Angel Gary distracting me from the pain.

As you can see from the photo it was a beautiful day here. Pajaro Dunes is a wonderful, peaceful place. Not a place to be if you want action but great for reflection.

Gary was worried about how I would do in a place so isolated. With him I could have been anywhere. Now that I am back here from an afternoon away I am once again enjoying the calm and all the wonderful memories of my amazing husband.

This is the same spot the day of our wedding. I liked it a bit better that day.

Wednesday

Not too sure what is happening with the Html but yesterday I couldn't take the spaces out of the pages and today I had to upload the picture three times as it kept loading upside down.

This morning I started to paint for the first time in so long I can't remember when I painted last. It felt great although I have never tried to paint someone else's style and it is a bit odd. It just felt great to sit in front of my easel with a canvas, paint and brushes. My energy is still off so I am glad that I was able to start. I am having a hard time staying consistant with the gym so I decided to start being happy about what I am doing instead of beating myself up for what I am not doing. Like acknowledging that painting is a big deal.

Before I left on my trip I was thinking about putting a book together of Gary's poetry, love letters and other pieces from him. I took most of it to LA and spoke with LA Alexis, an author about what the book would be about. I decided I would write a full book about our story and include Gary's writing in the book as part of the story. Thinking about it and doing it are two different things. I have sat down and written a few times not wild about what I wrote but just think I should continue on and worry about it later. I think if I write in my blog more often it will help with the writing of the book.

Since the blog originated as an accountability of my creating and writing will take up a lot of my creative time the blog will now be more general and rambling.

I am planning on going to the beach house for the first time this week-end if it doesn't rent. I have come close before a few times but then it rented at the last minute and I was off the hook. I feel ready but will have a back up plan in case it is too painful. Before I left on my trip I was fairly uncomfortable at home without Gary. By being out of our home for a bit it is as if my brain got partially reset to the days when I lived alone and in some ways it is easier to be here without him. I still find things that set me off and I can't say I am content yet. I miss him terribly but I do see the progress I have made.

Ready to Paint, Thank yous, Etc.

First I want to thank everyone for my travels last week: Alexis and Fancher, Nancy and Mike, Ross, Alexis and Henry for letting me stay with you. Mimi for meeting me in San Diego, The Matt Garrett's for entertaining me, Bob Miller for a wonderful lunch and Mom for taking care of my cat children. Thank you all. I had a wonderful time and a step further in my grief path as a result of stepping out of my daily life for a while.











This is Alexis G's Art Barn. What a wonderful creative space. I need to do a bit of set up to paint or work on any other messy creative project at my home. No complaints but I do love the Art Barn.




Here is my set up:
I am waiting for the gesso to dry on a canvas so thought it would be a good time to blog.





Last night was my grief group. It was the fifth meeting and so we had a new group of people. It was both rewarding and painful to hear new stories of loss. I am happy to have more people in the group. When it was over us three original members huddled together, talked and supported each other. Their final words to me were"Paint".









I thought a photo before I started would help get me going. I was having trouble with my digital camera. I thought the card was empty but to my surprise there were final pictures of Gary and I that I did not know existed. Some were from Christmas but he was apparently sick in all of them. It was quite a shock as every other of the thousands of pic's I have of him he is healthy, handsome and smiling. I won't post any of them as I doubt he would want anyone to see them. It made me very sad. I don't spend nearly as much time being sad as I did in the beginning but no matter how easy I may make it look, life is still very difficult for me to navigate through. It is getting better but I miss him immensely,painfully everyday. I am doing all I can to build a new life even though I want to old one back more than I have ever wanted anything in my life.

My intention was not to write about Gary but my blogging world is a vehicle to take me where ever it takes me and gives me a clue of where I really am at. But now I better start painting or I will put it off some more.

(Sorry for the odd formatting. I have tried to fix it about 10 times but it is not co-operating.)

Long Story to Painting My Bedroom

This morning I woke up in a new room and I have to admit it makes me sad to have the old room that Gary and I spent so much time in gone. I have been changing it slowly and the little changes kept him intact but the paint change wiped the old completely away. Here is the story of the change. Sorry it is long and I guess more helpful to me that to the reader.

Before Gary died I thought I would have to redecorate as I thought it would be too painful to be in this room that I loved him, nursed him and saw him die in. It had the opposite effect and I have not been able to leave this room while I am home as if he would come back here to me.

I told my cousin's wife Cheryl this as we were working out. Cheryl has the most amazing taste in anything visual. She suggested that since I spent so much time in here that I should paint it a bright color. Usually I am obsessive about a project, working until I run out of steam. Lately I don't have much steam so the transformation has been slow and included other friends and outings.

First I bought new bedding. It was nice but seemed about the same. Soon after I was staying at Bill and Matt's new lovely house in the Oakland hills, complete with 2 new rescue Boxers. I am in love with Brutus and Molly. Bill wanted me to go with him to an Art Auction. I had no intention of buying anything, he was looking at a few paintings. When we got there I found out it was also Antiques. I usually take my car which fits me, a duffel bag and my purse. I happened to bring Gary's car that we had nicknamed the Beast. The Beast landed at home with a dresser and two 12' x 9' Persian rugs. No one was around to help me drag them out of the car so of course I got them upstairs and had to move a lot of furniture to make them work. It was a nice change but everything was about the same and I was back in the room not able to leave. I was amazed that I was able to walk the next day.

The paint in the room was okay but not perfect. Then it became a battle in my head, do I paint it? What color if I do? Do I hire someone? How do I do that? Can I paint this room myself? It's got so many doors and windows I don't think I have the energy to do it. So here I stayed and missed Gary and couldn't do much at home outside of staring at the TV. We only watched a movie a day when Gary was alive. He hated the TV and I was used to it being off.

Next event, a trip to MOMA to see the Stein collection with Bill and Matt. The previous week Glenn and I gone to the Jewish Museum expecting the Art but got the history of Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas. It turned out to be a good set up for the MOMA collection. After the show we ate at the MOMA cafe and there were these fun paintings on the wall of desserts. They were cheery and bright so I thought I would buy one. Not so easy so I took a few photos and went home to think about it. I haven't been able to paint for a very long time. Gary was a great muse and loved it when I would paint or do anything creative. As you know this website was started to keep me on track with my creativity. Hence the long absences. I decided I could paint the painting myself and bought the canvases.

Then next it was a battle in my head about the order of painting. Shouldn't I paint the bedroom before I paint on canvas? If I start to paint again I will never finish the bedroom. Being of little energy still I did not start to paint either the canvas or the room. One morning the sun woke me up at 5:30. How did Gary and I sleep in this room for a summer with just the blinds? Well we all know that one, we were exhausted from his cancer and the treatments. The next night I covered the window with a fitted sheet and realized I needed curtains. I found the right curtains and was none to happy when I found out they had to be shipped. I wanted to put them up ASAP, the only way I know how to do things. Next I realized that if I was going to paint the room it had to happened before the curtains arrived next Wednesday.

I decided to start with taping the room. If I could do that I could do the painting. The meticulous setup seems to be more work than the painting itself. Gary loved to paint and being a good Virgo was able to dot every "i " and cross every " t" in life making him a great painter among his many talents. That is not my nature. I think the Angel Gary was there to help me put every inch of tape in the room and not starting with the paint until all the prep work was done. I thought about how much I love Virgos and Aquarius's like myself while I was working on this massive project. I realized that 3 of my 4 closest friends are Virgos and Aquarius's. Bill, the Aquarius is with Matt a Virgo. That makes me happy. Glenn and Evelyn are Virgos. Andy is an Aries. 3 out of 4 is good. These thoughts made me happy and I did not burn out until the last wall.

Now here I am in a brand new room transformed away from my love. The room itself is great. I guess it is a lesson in the good of moving on. Lets see if the new room moves me into other parts of the house like the den/play room where I used to happily create. I wrote this story so I could make myself accountable to my creative progress as I know many of you have and will ask if I am paining.

Wonder what Gary thinks when he looks down? He probably more than me wants me to move on. I doubt he is happy that I have gotten catatonic on the bed.

Long Absence

I haven't been able to post as taking care of Gary took all of my energy. Now that he is gone I still have no energy but need to push myself a bit. We took a ton of photos as we really packed in a life around his cancer. In my grieving I look at pictures a lot and I think this is my favorite. I am doing as well as I can but grieving is far harder than one can ever imagine.

I have finshed a few knitting projects but that is about it for creativity. Hopefully I will get there soon.

Sweet Story

Gary has been buying me flowers at this adorable little flower shop, Rosies and Posies, for most of our relationship. He has become friendly with the owner and she is always concerned about his health. He figured out that flowers came come to the door so the other day he sent me this beautiful bouquet. The delivery man also had a dozen white roses from the owner to Gary. Special little surprises like this go a very long way in making us happy. If you are downtown San Jose or ordering flowers over the phone (408-293-3773) give this place a try. She does a great job and certainly has a heart. It is in the middle of the open space by the ACT theater. Both vases are filled with beauty.

I have tried to stay away from using this as a diary but I haven't done anything creative besides knit lately. FYI- my tumor was benign and there is nothing to worry about, Thank God. My health and well being is mandatory for our lives right now and I am doing the best that I can to stay mentally and emotionally fit. I admit I have not been to the gym since before we got married but I have the rest of it right. I have wrapped myself up with a wonderful support system and love all of you very much. Last Saturday I went to SF to have lunch with Glenn and to my surprise Gregg took the day off to play with us. I felt honored that Gregg took the time for me and Gary loves seeing me come home from my natural habitat all refreshed.

Our lives are all about being together and taking care of each other. For me that means doing everything I can to keep Gary well cared for, safe, etc. Gary takes care of me by continuing to keep my heart overflowing with love. He is very good at doing his part and I believe I am doing a very good job on my end. Things have been very tough lately but we continue to treat each other with the utmost of respect and it goes a long way. I spent most of my adult life trying to preserve my space and now that I have the right guy I can't get enough of him. We both lived such big lives before we found each other and now we need very little outside of each other. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced but I am happy most of the time and truly understand how to live one day at a time. It is actually the easier path.

Hard to believe it is the holiday season again. In some ways last Christmas feels like it was yesterday and in others it feels like it was a century ago. I can't thank our friends and family enough for all that you do for us. Neither Gary or I are good at asking for help but we are continually being taken care of in many different ways and I am grateful for all of you on this journey with us. I doubt we will surface much over the holidays but you are in our hearts.

XOXOXO

Luxury of the Beach

Today is an overcast day at the beach. The sun peaks through a bit every once in a while but for a change I prefer the clouds.

I have been completely uninspired for a while. I did not want to use my creative blog a diary but for now I would have nothing else to write about. There is so much stress in our life that sometimes even knitting does not inspire me.

All the stresses in our life are right here right now. About a month ago Gary began being unable to walk on his own. We thought it was the meds he was on but now we know that is not it. They have scanned him from head to toe and haven't found anything. These mystery illnesses are harder to take than what ever known problem is thrown at us. On top of that I go in for surgery to have the tumor removed from my breast next Tuesday. We are both disappointed that Gary can not be my primary caretaker. I am completely burnt out from being my usual way too independent self and trying to everything for both of us. Today is a wonderful day sitting here next to my napping husband while I stare at the ocean.

I fantasize lately about two days at a Spa but for now that is not possible it is just a good fantasy. My perfectionism is improving as once upon a time I would have made myself create to have something to prove that I was okay. The best thing I can creative right now is gentle self care and getting the right help for both of us. What I need right now is a small piece of support from each of our friends and family.

Think of me next Tuesday while I am under the knife and hopefully all will turn out well so I will once again have inspiration to create.