Happy Birthday Bart!

Yesterday was Bart's 17th birthday. My little talking angel. After we lost his sister he  decided he had a lot to say and still yells at me most of his waking hours. He particularly does not like me talking on the phone and has a lot to say about that. A phone call will wake him up faster than treats. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of hearing him, it sounds like a baby being tortured. Amazing the sounds that come out of such a small, loving creature.
As annoying as it is there is also a familiar comfort to hearing him. My cat encyclopedia says he is 78 in human years. A youngster!
According to one source I read that the oldest living cat was 37 or 38 years old (I forget exactly) and a also Burmese. I am planning on another 20 years with him.
He is slowly adjusting to my spending time in the den. He thinks we should both be on the bed 24/7. Obviously not a healthy place for me. Sadly between Gary's illness and grief I have spent the majority of my time at home there. I rarely post my knitting as I can isolate my life away knitting, watching TV. It is a lot healthier for me to be in here doing something creative. Painting, school work, music, card making, etc., etc., etc. Lots to do at home if I leave the bedroom cave.
Now that he has agreed to a little time in here he has hogged the only comfy chair. Fine when I am engaged in a creative project but a drag when I want a break. In a funny way he is helping me. I am sitting on my exercise ball right now. Good for the abs. After my back injury I need all the help I can get.
Yesterday my trainer told me that it takes twice as long to get back into shape as the down time. That gets me back to where I was in 22 weeks-November 16th. Great.

June Ramblings

I quit blogging as no one was reading my posts. This exercise should be for me. About 10 weeks ago I injured myself quite badly while exercising. I was in a neck brace for 8 weeks, regular PT, it threw me off my path. Between the pain and the inability to exercise I reverted to my knit/TV life. I have been cleared to exercise at 10% intensity but what do I know about 10%? I understand 110%. We'll see how this goes.
This photo is from another play station in my creative room.  It is separate from the desk with my card making stuff. Separate from my easel with a painting in progress and Gary's comfy chair where I sit and write. There is a wall filled with books from both of our journeys. At one time the content with divided, now there is a lot of overlap.
Recently I have been working with a spiritual advisor. She told  me that I needed to write a book. It rang true, felt like a perfect fit yet I could not get myself to start. Last week she told me that the book I need to start with is the one with Gary's writings, laced with my experience. So much synchronicity. I had already started it two years ago. My cousin Mimi thought it was what I needed to do and sent me the Patty Smith/Mapelthrope story. Other stuff too. Without doing much the book is well on it's way. Thursday was our wedding anniversary. The only problem is me.
I have been in school all year for Holistic Nutrition. I have always defined myself as a Christian Louboutin girl and been afraid of that hippie within. I relate more to the inner business woman than the artist yet those that volunteer their observations see me as an artist. I am a vegan. While painting yesterday I listened to an 80 minute lecture from Howard Lyman, the rancher turned vegan that informed the world about  Mad Cow Disease  then turned on FOX news. I suppose I have always been a  strange combination of my varied experiences and that is a good thing.
Last note.. while others see my knitting as creative, I won't deny the creative aspect of it but when I obsessively knit, hide and watch TV it is not a good thing. It is comparable to drug abuse or an eating disorder. As pretty as my bedroom is I need to be in other rooms of my condo.

Gary, Amazing Gary

It is hard for me to believe it was  two years ago today that Gary died in my arms, the place he said he wanted to die. I lied in bed trying to feel his arms around me but some memories can only come into my head. I decided I should write about him today.
I have so many pictures of him, us. We lived an amazing life in the time we had together. How do I select just one or a few? Which are my favorites? This one was taken pretty early on and encapsulates the being of Gary. He had written a song about me and surprised me by singing  it to me. I cried in a way I had never cried before. One of his biggest gifts to me was the way he loved me completely, unconditionally, in a way I had never been loved before. Certainly I miss it, I am doing my best to carry on knowing how much better off I am having been loved like that. Do I want him back? Unquestionably! Do I live in the past? No. He would not want that.
There are mementos all over our (a word I can not shed) home. Pictures of us, things we bought in places all over the map. We certainly loaded as much life into our time together as we could. As I was writing in my journal this morning, we were both 100% ready to give and get from each other when we met. I have wondered if there was a part of us that was able to expose ourselves more as we knew we might have limited time or were we both just that present? Hard to say so I won't waste time on it. I will spend the time instead on the great memories we had together.
A while back people kept telling me that someday I would be grateful that I experienced that rare love every human wants, very few get. Recently someone told me that her reaction to seeing us together was both magical and made her jealous, knowing she had never felt the way we. I did not think I could get here. I was still hurting from having it taken away.
Today, as much as I miss this absolutely amazing human being, I can say that yes, all the pain has been worth it.
Gary, I hope you are with your dad, my dad and many other wonder people we have lost. I miss you and I want to thank you for such an amazing ride!

Time change, Spring cleaning

I haven't been posting lately and I haven't been too creative. I constantly knit but even though my knitting is creative it is a constant and sometimes  stops me from participating in life.
I still only seem to want to hang out in my bedroom. Want to spend more time in here and in the kitchen.
Yesterday I missed my Surfset class due to a stopped traffic from an accident. 30 minutes later I was able to turn around and head home. I decided to clean out my fridge. That got me on a roll. By the time I had rid my kitchen of all foods I no longer eat (lots from Gary) I had a hefty bag full of recyclables.
This morning I decided to tackle the den. I have no good reason for avoiding this room but have been in here for three hours throwing things out, re-arranging art supplies. Parting with tail ends of memories no longer serving me. Not sure if it will propel me into a painting project but it's a start. I don't like calling it the den but don't have a better name for it. In Seattle I had a playroom. I spent most of my time in there. I will do anything necessary to make this room call at me. I have a ton of excuses as to way I don't spend more time in here but I won't name them as they are just lame excuses.
I need to forget that I have a storage room I have not been to for two years and all the other almost nagging projects not getting done. I just want to come home and want to head straight for this un-named room loaded with art and  craft supplies. Then as hunger gets near be excited to go create in the kitchen.
I have been working out a lot lately and I think the effects of a few month of no HRT's are kicking in. I have been pretty tired lately. I have been changing my clocks mid-afternoon instead of before bed for years now to try and trick my body into being on the new time. Can't tell if it worked or not as spring cleaning is not on my usually list of activities. We will see how this spring cleaning effects my projects in the near future.

Latest Painting and Sugar

This is my latest painting. It is hanging near the finished cheesecake painting that I posted when it was in process.(I will post it soon.) It is ironic that my latest paintings are both sugar related at a time that I have finally given up my sugar addiction. I can now walk through the aisles of Valentine"s, St. Patrick's Day and Easter candy with no temptation. Never thought this would happen. I justified my sugar habit away for as long as I knew sugar was bad for me (27 years). The two most profound ideas I heard but denied were 1) sugar is as bad for an addict as heroin 2) sugar will age one's face more than cigarettes.
Someone asked me if hanging these sugar delights would be tempting for me. No, the appeal is now the pretty colors, artistic creation of desserts. I have been thinking a lot about my age, my health etc. lately. I have decided for the moment that it is an inside out job. I am a woman so I reserve the right to change my mind in the future. I haven't even had my first shot of botox. I am afraid that once I start down that path I will let my evil perfectionist pop up and there will be no end to it. Like the days I look in the mirror and think today is the day I need a full face lift. I push those thoughts away usually by walking away from that nasty mirror. I also an continually fine tuning what I put in my body, do with my body and mind so I can't see injecting poison into my face. That being said I am all for anything anyone wants to do to  (within reason) to feel better about themselves. My Libertarian philosophy.
School is finally getting interesting as we are hearing some amazing lectures about American food and disease. I can see Gary's cancer path in full. I am not currently working on any projects as I have a lot going on. They are all good, more exercise, school, friends, women in distress, to name a few. The first thing that goes is a big, creative project but it is good as I am ready to be busier and then learn to balance my life.

Different Ways of Creating

This is what I looked like just a few years ago on one of our last trips together, I think I was 54. Then it was time to sit. At first it was necessary to be there for Gary, then it was all I could as I was grieving, then I was stuck. Last week I posted about the three hour gym thing. 8 days later and I have been at the gym everyday with the exception of one rest day. It was not a scary day. It pushed me back into the zone I needed. When I try to talk myself into not driving to the gym I am able to override the thought.
So I am creating health. I have been fine tuning my diet more and more. I am close to looking like that picture again and will get there soon. Although there is nothing on my easel or creative desk my energy is slowly returning and I am using my time better.
I once knew an artist that had been a stockbroker. I ran into him a few years after I had seen his work and asked if he was still sculpting. He told me that he was not, he was back to creating money. I filled that away as creating can come in many forms and forward movement and balance is key.
I have a two hour workout on the schedule today and a creative project percolating in my head.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. Having been with such a romantic I got to enjoy this day to the fullest. Instead of blathering on about those days I will tell you what it is for me now. I am no longer under a sad veil of better times, not yet a new better time but on my way. There is a big romantic, softy in me so I decided to think of this day as a holiday of love in the general sense. I have a needy, purring cat sitting on my lap while I write with a smile on my face. I plan on having a great day today. Gym, meeting, Artist Way and knitting store. Add in healthy food and acknowledge that I will see many people I care about today so how could it not be a happy one.
For those of you in a relationship I hope you show your partner how wonderful they are. For those not forget about the Hallmark creation and enjoy the people you love. Years ago I was in a relationship with someone that didn't give me roses on Valentine's Day (we did still celebrate) but bought me three dozen the next day when the prices weren't jacked up. I loved it.
I learned awhile ago that making distracting plans on days that could otherwise be difficult was a good strategy for not feeling, sad, left out, etc. I really loaded myself with armor for this one making my own cards. How can one feel sad will playing and thinking of others?

So today I wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day and think of it as a Holiday of All Love, not just romantic love.